One of the hardest conversations we had with my father-in-law was telling him he couldn’t babysit our newborn
When we’re caring for an aging loved one, it sometimes feels like all we do is take away. We take away her car; we convince her to sell her home; we change his diet; we take away his privacy. These losses (and the discussions that surround them) are tough on everyone, but if you work at it, it’s possible to lessen those losses and the guilt you feel about them.
In our family, the loss was babysitting. One of the most heartbreaking discussions we had with my father-in-law before he died was when we told him he couldn’t babysit our kids.
My husband and I went to visit him in Florida soon after our first son was born, and Dad was eager to help—“I’ll babysit him while you guys go out,” “Sleep in, and I’ll watch him,” “I’ll keep an eye on them in the pool.” But Grandpa was frail, unsteady on his feet, and his judgment and ability to react in an emergency was questionable (he’d recently handed a can of wasp killer to our six-year-old nephew and told him to use it out on the patio.)
At first, I admit I was a nervous new mom. I’d hold my breath as my father-in-law teetered over my son in his bouncy chair, or I’d snatch the baby away at the first whimper of unhappiness. But as our visits continued, and the sad face on my father-in-law grew deeper, we became determined to give him some responsibilities to fill his inherent grandparenting desire.
For the next five years of babies (first with Will and then with our younger son Max), Grandpa fed them every meal and nearly every bottle when we were visiting. He got a great kick out feeding our sons their first taste of pureed banana, and it freed us up from feedings—a baby duty that seems exciting the first time and quickly becomes a lot of work. Grandpa also handled bottles because he could do them from the comfort of his recliner and burping because he could do it for hours while watching his shows.
As the kids got older and no longer required feeding, we relaxed our meal plans to include Grandpa’s favorites (chips and chocolate milk) when we visited him. Grandpa became the master of our kids’ junk food domain. While at home, we pushed organic milk and fruits and veggies, Grandpa gave our kids their first taste of Doritos. He got joy out of giving them something we wouldn’t, and I’m pretty sure our kids’ health was unaffected by these nutritional breaks.
We tried to find lots of little ways to let Dad be the grandparent he always envisioned he’d be without putting our children or him at risk, and in the end, I think we were mostly successful—he seemed happier and we felt less guilty.
Maybe your loss isn’t babysitting. Maybe it’s the ability to take a shower without assistance. Maybe it’s driving. Maybe it’s cooking a big meal. Rather than take away these freedoms outright, encourage your loved one to help in every way he can. If you’re helping him bathe, encourage him to shave or wash his own face (even if you have to go over it after). If he can’t drive, let him navigate (even if you disagree with his choice of route). If it’s cooking, let him plan the meal and assist you with the cooking where possible.
As a caregiver for your sick and aging loved one, you’ve likely faced many situations where you feel you’ve “taken away” something your loved one loves, but it’s important to remember the end of one thing doesn’t always have to be the end of everything. You may be able to find small ways to give them a similar joy and purpose, which will undoubtedly help them to live longer, happier lives.
Molly Rowe owns FirstLight Home Care with her husband, Steve Rowe, and lives in Swampscott with their two sons. FirstLight provides non-medical in-home care to adults in Swampscott, Marblehead, Nahant, Lynn, Salem, Peabody, Danvers, Beverly, and Lynnfield. For more information and help caring for your loved ones in the comfort of their own homes, please visit FirstLight’s website at www.northshore.firstlighthomecare.com or contact Molly at 781-691-5755/mrowe@firstlighthomecare.com