Gram’s been making lunch for Pa for more than 60 years.
My grandparents were a big part of my childhood. They lived nearby, and I was constantly with them, playing games, taking walks, or chatting in their living room. No matter what we were doing, I knew everyday the world would stop at 11:30 a.m. for my grandfather’s lunch. To this day, when I think of my grandmother, I almost immediately hear her saying the words, “I need to get home to feed Pa lunch.”
Although Gram fixing Pa’s lunch every day is probably outdated and antifeminist, I love this memory because it signifies to me the closeness of their marriage. There were certain tasks only she could do for him and others that only he could do for her.
Today, we work with a lot of couples who feel this same closeness and protectiveness of each other—the “I’m the only one who can take care of my husband” mentality. It’s lovely to witness, but it also can make our lives as family members and caregivers challenging if one spouse gets sick and requires additional help. In practical terms, the spouse may understand why outside help (either from other family members or professional caregivers) is needed, but in real life, she struggles to come to terms with our intrusions.
A spouse might tell caregivers to do things a certain way, even if it’s not the best way for the person who needs care. She might insist on keeping the house a certain way, even if it means it’s not safe for her husband. She might insist on cooking his favorite meals, even if they’re no longer healthy for him to eat. She might even call caregivers names or lock them out of the house. Even though a spouse may understand we’re there to keep her partner safe, she may not be able to get past the discomfort of strangers in her house, messing up her life.
Where there’s anger, there’s sometimes fear. Fear about the future, fear about losing the person she’s loved and lived with for 40, 50, or 60 years. There might also be resentment. Resentment over having a disrupted life or over what she and her husband have lost—their younger selves. Or maybe it’s resentment because she feels no one is looking out for her.
Sometimes, I find no one has taken the time to sit down and talk with the spouse in a kind, loving manner about what she needs and how she feels. Not a “Mom, you have to go along with this for Dad’s safety” lecture, but a “Mom, how are you doing in all of this? What can we do to make it easier for you?” conversation. If you can give the spouse some power in an otherwise powerless situation, it may help with their resistance. Try to ask her opinion in areas that won’t affect her partner’s health and safety. “What clothes should Dad wear today?” “What time should we have dinner?”
We all like to think we’ll handle aging and loss gracefully and always act in the most generous, giving way, especially if the health of our spouse is at stake, but the reality is it’s not always easy. Even the healthy spouse has her world turned upside down, and loses things she loves like independence, housing arrangements, vacations, and long-ingrained marriage roles. Coming to terms with this can be difficult, so it’s up to us as caregivers to make the adjustment easier. The way to do that is usually by being just as thoughtful and loving toward the spouse as we are the person who needs our care.
Molly Rowe owns FirstLight Home Care with her husband, Steve Rowe, and lives in Swampscott with their two sons. FirstLight provides non-medical in-home care to adults in Swampscott, Marblehead, Nahant, Lynn, Salem, Peabody, Danvers, Beverly, and Lynnfield. For more information and help caring for your loved ones in the comfort of their own homes, please visit FirstLight’s website at www.salem.firstlighthomecare.com or contact Molly at 781-691-5755/mrowe@firstlighthomecare.com