“No matter how old he or I get, he’ll always be my daddy.”
One of the more heartbreaking conversations I’ve had was with a daughter who was caring for her father. She came to us looking for some help during the day, but she’d been his primary caregiver for more than a year. In between raising kids and managing her career, she was taking her father to doctor appointments, filling his pill box and reminding him to take them, handling all of his grocery shopping and other errands, doing his laundry, and occasionally reminding him to take a shower. While the stress of managing her life and his was taking its toll, the bigger challenge for her was the change in her relationship with her dad.
“All I want is to crawl up in my dad’s lap and be a daughter again,” she said.
Every time I think about that line, I get a lump in my throat because I know what she means. I feel that way about my father—no matter how old he or I get, he’ll always be my daddy.
Sometimes, the biggest challenge to caring for a loved one is not the physical work or time management but the emotional trauma of a changed role: A husband who now assists his wife on the toilet, a son who helps bathe his mom, a little sister who visits her big brother at a nursing home. All of these people once had very different relationships with their loved ones, and the emotions that come along with becoming a caregiver can be overwhelming.
My husband and I experienced this role change with my father-in-law the last few years of his life when our visits to his home in Florida became more about reminding him to take care of himself than about talking about how the Red Sox were doing. On one hand, I was proud of my husband for the way he lovingly cared for his dad, but on the other, it was painful to watch, knowing the loss they both had experienced.
As difficult and hectic as life can be as a family caregiver, it’s important to do what you can to maintain the relationship you had before age or illness changed things—even if it’s not exactly what it was. Include Mom in activities. Have conversations with her unrelated to health or care needs. Ask opinions. Reminisce about the good times both with your loved one and with your other family members (sometimes, we get so caught up debating how to care for someone that we forget to actually cherish who they are). Get help for the tasks you struggle with the most—showering, dressing, etc.—if that enables you to return some normalcy to your relationship.
It’s not always possible, I know. Sometimes, especially near the end, roles just flip and there’s no way to go back. You may very well be the one brushing your mom’s hair or helping your wife shower. But when you can, IF you can, try to have moments where you’re not a caregiver. Sit in your daddy’s lap, at least in the figurative sense—because that lap is what you will undoubtedly miss most when he’s gone.
Molly Rowe owns FirstLight Home Care with her husband, Steve Rowe, and lives in Swampscott with their two sons. FirstLight provides non-medical in-home care to adults in Swampscott, Marblehead, Nahant, Lynn, Salem, Peabody, Danvers, Beverly, and Lynnfield. For more information and help caring for your loved ones in the comfort of their own homes, please visit FirstLight’s website at www.salem.firstlighthomecare.com or contact Molly at 781-691-5755/mrowe@firstlighthomecare.com