If you\u2019re not someone who worries about death, I envy you. I am a death worrier. Pretty much always, I\u2019ve worried about the end of life\u2014either my own or someone else\u2019s. I\u2019ve had moments (usually in the car with a sad song playing) where I\u2019ve thought so much about the eventual death of a currently living loved one that I\u2019ve cried real tears.<\/p>\n
With time, age, and experience working in home care, my fear of dying a sudden, unexpected death is slowly being replaced by the fear I\u2019ll die an extended, drawn-out one. Anyone who has experienced a long death knows what I\u2019m talking about. The hours of sitting vigil, attempting to relieve pain, trying to figure out the best way to provide care, mentally willing them to let go. Long deaths forever change your memories of a person. My Auntie Chee in her last days called out to her mother, a tidbit that both haunts and comforts me\u2014the idea of my sons, at 90 years old, calling out to me in their last hours.<\/p>\n
Long deaths are hard on the dying, but they\u2019re equally hard on the living. You worry about practical issues\u2014the cost of care or missed time at work. There\u2019s nothing more guilt-inducing than standing at a loved one\u2019s deathbed and wondering how much longer this will go on because you\u2019ve used your last sick day or you can\u2019t afford their current level of care. Unfortunately, real-life concerns are a real part of dying. You worry about the comfort of your loved one\u2014are you doing enough? Would she want to be medicated? Would she prefer music and open windows or quiet and closed blinds?<\/p>\n
Few of us plan for death in the ways that matter most and will bring our loved ones peace. We may set up trusts, write wills, appoint powers of attorney, register as organ donors, and tell our loved ones whether we want life support, but we don\u2019t plan for the process of dying.<\/p>\n
How do you want to die? Do you want pain medication even if it makes you unresponsive for most of your last days? What and who do you want to be surrounded by? Do you want quiet music (yes for me) or sports radio (my husband)? Do you want touch\u2014head rubs or light massage\u2014or are you someone who prefers a loved one nearby but not touching you? Do you want a cold cloth on your forehead? Do you want to be bathed every day? Do you want any special poems or prayers read?<\/p>\n
These questions may seem trivial or hard to answer. Who knows what we\u2019ll want when we\u2019re dying? Or maybe it feels selfish or demanding to say, \u201cI want head rubs every day.\u201d But knowing the answers will make caring for you easier on your loved ones\u2014who will undoubtedly wonder if they\u2019re taking care of you in the way you would want, and feel guilt for what they think they\u2019re not doing.<\/p>\n
If talking about these things with a loved one isn\u2019t possible, there\u2019s an end-of-life planning tool, called Five Wishes, that helps you plan it all out in writing. It\u2019s very simple\u2014you just circle statements you agree with and cross out the ones you don\u2019t\u2014and helps you convey to loved ones your feelings on death and your life\u2014especially if you haven\u2019t had a chance to work through some things before you die. (There\u2019s a section that asks about your desire for loved ones to know you forgive them for past grievances and your desire for fighting family members to find peace with each other.)<\/p>\n
As much as I want a good life, I want a good death. Family peace, forgiveness, head rubs, and music. After my kids were born, it was important to me they both hear \u201cHere Comes the Sun\u201d on the car ride home. I wouldn\u2019t mind hearing that same song on my ride \u201chome.\u201d Most of all, I want people to find solace in the knowledge that they are taking care of me in the way I would have wanted because I\u2019ve seen what it\u2019s like for caregivers who don\u2019t have that knowledge.<\/p>\n
Molly Rowe owns FirstLight Home Care with her husband, Steve Rowe, and lives in Swampscott with their two sons. FirstLight provides non-medical in-home care to adults in Swampscott, Marblehead, Nahant, Lynn, Salem, Peabody, Danvers, Beverly, and Lynnfield. For more information and help caring for your loved ones in the comfort of their own homes, please visit FirstLight\u2019s website at <\/em>www.salem.firstlighthomecare.com<\/em><\/a> or contact Molly at <\/em>781-691-5755\/mrowe@firstlighthomecare.com<\/em><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" If you\u2019re not someone who worries about death, I envy you. I am a death worrier. Pretty much always, I\u2019ve worried about the end of life\u2014either my own or someone else\u2019s. I\u2019ve had moments (usually in the car with a sad song playing) where I\u2019ve thought so much about the…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[14,18,15],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-655","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-caring-for-aging-parents","category-end-of-life","category-loss"],"acf":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.firstlighthomecare.com\/home-healthcare-salem\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/655","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.firstlighthomecare.com\/home-healthcare-salem\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.firstlighthomecare.com\/home-healthcare-salem\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.firstlighthomecare.com\/home-healthcare-salem\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.firstlighthomecare.com\/home-healthcare-salem\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=655"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.firstlighthomecare.com\/home-healthcare-salem\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/655\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.firstlighthomecare.com\/home-healthcare-salem\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=655"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.firstlighthomecare.com\/home-healthcare-salem\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=655"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.firstlighthomecare.com\/home-healthcare-salem\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=655"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}