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Confronting losses create peace of mind.<\/p><\/div>\n
Often, the biggest cause of our unfinished business is something called \u201cambiguous loss.\u201d Ambiguous losses are those that don\u2019t always involve a death but might be just as painful because there\u2019s no closure. They\u2019re the losses most of us experience at some point in life and especially as we become caregivers for our sick or aging loved ones\u2014the loss of Dad to Alzheimer\u2019s (he hasn\u2019t died but the person we know is gone), a son who battles drug addiction (our dreams for him are on hold), infertility, divorce, giving up a child for adoption. These losses feel like deaths because something is forever changed or gone, but there\u2019s no funeral to attend, nobody sends flowers, and we don\u2019t receive cards of sympathy.<\/p>\n
Losses without closure are the losses that eat away at us\u2014the unresolved baggage that fills therapist offices, ruins relationships, and makes us act like jerks sometimes. The emotions of ambiguous loss help explain behavior that seems inexplicable\u2014that sibling who hasn\u2019t gone to visit your father more than once since he\u2019s been in rehab, the adult child who stops by quickly just to run errands.<\/p>\n
Ambiguous loss is complicated because unlike regular grief that has a defined process we\u2019re all familiar with (shock, denial, anger, etc.), this kind of grief isn\u2019t usually identified. The emotions are new and painful. And instead of being encouraged to take time to deal with them, we\u2019re usually told things like, \u201cEverything happens for a reason,\u201d \u201cAt least he\u2019s still alive,\u201d or \u201cMaybe it\u2019s a blessing in disguise.\u201d<\/p>\n
Some memories return to haunt us latter in life.<\/h6>\n
So many times the first conversation with a senior, she\u2019ll share something from long ago that still eats away at her\u2014the child she lost in pregnancy 70 years before, the marriage that wasn\u2019t what she expected, the mother she resented caring for late in life\u2014the losses she didn\u2019t really deal with when she was going through them.<\/p>\n
What to do if a memory of a loss keeps returning and causes us great<\/h6>\nsadness.<\/h6>\n
If you\u2019re going through this as a caregiver for someone you love\u2014mourning your dreams for the future or the life you expected to have\u2014take time to feel and deal with the emotions you\u2019re having. Go away for a week and focus on yourself and what you\u2019re dealing with, see a therapist, talk to friends. Do what you need to do so today\u2019s losses don\u2019t come back to haunt you tomorrow. You\u2019ll not only have a happier, healthier life later on, but I promise you\u2019ll be a better caregiver now.<\/p>\n