Going home and “getting out of here” are common themes if you love someone with dementia. As family members we try to reassure by saying things like, “This is your home now,” or “You don’t live there anymore,” but often these reassurances have the opposite effect.
Imagine if you woke up tomorrow in a home you vaguely recognize but know is not yours. You might see a few possessions you remember, but you know that the important stuff—your memories, the people you love most (your parents, your children as you remember them, your pets) are still somewhere else, in that home you can remember but no longer go to. Would you feel better if someone said, “This is your home now; don’t worry about it”?
Often the “Home” the loved one is asking for is often a childhood home—not the one he just moved from or the one his children grew up in. Supporting loved ones through their sadness is more important than rationalizing or trying to reason through their emotions.
Focus on what is making them feel anxious.
Remembering the feelings of being home: Calm. Safe. Protected.
When Dad asks for home, it’s more than physical walls he’s asking for. It does no good to reassure him that what he’s saying is irrational or irrelevant (“You ARE home.” “We sold your home.” “You haven’t lived there for years.”). It’s better to focus on his anxiety and what’s making him feel that way: “Why do you want to go home? What’s there?” Rather than trying to brush off the comment with a “This is your home,” spend some time talking with him about that home he remembers. “That was a great house, wasn’t it?” “Remind me, how many bedrooms did it have?”
Asking to go home means usually means I want to be calm, at peace, and protected.
often, although loved ones with dementia want to go home, what they’re looking for goes deeper than that—they want the feeling they get from home—calm, peacefulness, safety, protection—or they want their childhood home or they want something altogether different. It’s up to us as family members to support our loved one in her sadness and find ways to help her through it, regardless of the frustration, impatience, sadness, and guilt we may ourselves feel. It’s not easy to do, especially if you’re hearing, “I want to go home” repeatedly every day, but supporting your loved one through it might make her want to go home less.
FirstLight provides non-medical in-home care to adults in Southern and Western Maine. For more information and help caring for your loved ones in the comfort of their own homes, please visit FirstLight’s website at www. firstlighthomecare.com or contact us at 207-627-1125.