Are You Strong Enough?

Author: Boyd Lowry, Owner FirstLight Home Care of Bergen County

An emotional line in the Pixar Movie “The Incredibles”.   The Husband, our superhero, Mr. Incredible, says to his wife, Elastigirl, “I am not strong enough”.  A poignant moment where the hero humbles himself and reveals his vulnerability in confronting an emotional experience early in the movie, which is related to loss and grief. 

What are our biggest fears? As caregivers serving others, we often wonder whether we are strong enough, do enough, or make the best choices when it matters most.  And once we make those choices, we frequently doubt the choices we made.  

Doubt is everywhere, but we are taught through faith that we are strong enough.  That we are free of sin if we only believe; we are told we do not have to doubt ourselves. So, are we strong enough for those in our care? These loved ones include a family member, a spouse, and a child.

When caring for a person who receives home care through FirstLight, we are faced with difficult decisions.  As caregivers, we must believe that what we are doing is enough and provides a quality of life for those receiving care and seeking comfort at home.  We make the best choices and hope that the family understands and supports those choices.  Often, the family is thankful that we are there.  Caregivers take great pleasure in serving others who have so much to give yet still have so much to offer.

As care progresses, a loved one may lower their guard. At the end of life, we may have emotional circumstances that need to be acknowledged, discussed, heard, and understood.  The family may or may not be up to the task.  The baggage of many years of doing things one way can be hard to unpack.  The memories of life when they were the loved ones we always knew and relied on: the mother who helped us with friends, and the father who brought logic and reason to our day-to-day lives. 

Faith plays a significant role in shaping our beliefs.  Do we now decide to believe in faith?  A choice that we may have thought about or maybe never addressed in our lives.  At times, it is not the loved one FirstLight provides care for; at such times, it is the family and the unfinished concerns, dreams, and beliefs that need space and time.  We are not only there to guide the loved one’s care, but also to give the family space to process their emotions.  We have a chance to support the family and find purpose through our presence, silence, and comfort.  At times, the family chooses to ignore, forget, and let go. Others make space to listen, reflect, and find closure to wounds once ignored.  Every situation is different, and only family can answer the question regarding their parents and loved ones. A caregiver is there to allow quiet moments, provide comfort care, and facilitate reflections.  

Providing comfort at the end of life is one of many goals to achieve with home care.  Palliative care is a time for closure, end-of-life preparation, and medication management. FirstLight places caregivers in a loved one’s home, where memories of their lives are still on display throughout the house.  The family comes to visit to share memories of the past.  Filled with joy and sadness.  In this fragile stage, families deal with memories and childhood interactions.  This is a time to reflect, forgive, and find closure; to celebrate life, laugh, and share stories.

Love is an expression of care that has no limits. I reflect on one of my journal entries of a life well-lived.  

Today, I couldn’t help but feel that I had let these two people down. He is a friend, a client, and a fellow veteran, and FirstLight cares for his wife.  For three years now, FirstLight has cared for this married couple. During this period, the wife has managed Parkinson’s, cancer, and old age.  Her ailments have slowly taken away the little comforts of life the couple had together. At 95 years of age, her husband expresses his love for his wife. However, he can’t see how to justify the expense of her health care needs.  How does he pay for care and still provide a well-earned legacy to his family?  He would do anything for his spouse. This confident, successful war veteran could not hold back the tears of the love he shared with his wife of many years. He is a good man, but he was brought to a state of extreme helplessness in front of me. 

I stood next to him and put my hand on his shoulder. 

Then I went to his wife and got down on one knee to be at the same eye level as her, so as not to strain her gaze while she attempted to sit up in her recliner. I was thankful that the chair was finally moved to the living room for convenience.  The recliner is her refuge, her calm; she is scared to move around, a fall risk. This proud woman never wanted another person to see her frailty. How do I measure up to this married couple? Their love for each other demonstrates such strength and devotion.  A war veteran and a successful businesswoman who has suffered significant losses in their long lives. Even now, they extend their hands in service and smile in recognition of my visit. There is so much love, sincerity, courage, and strength in these two people, and with all their modesty and integrity, I only learned about these people’s lives because of FirstLight. Home care services enable me to be part of these intimate and private moments of great importance, serving them with gratitude and respect.  I am honored to be there, to hold their hands and provide the care that is necessary to bring peace, love, and joy to their home.

Author: Boyd Lowry, Owner, FirstLight of Bergen County