Planning to Take the Keys

We learn at an early age that wheels = freedom.

When I was six years old, I used to study the Sears and Roebucks’ holiday “wishbook” and fantasize about getting a Power Wheels—one of those battery-powered cars that kids can actually sit in and drive. I envisioned myself cruising to the grocery store, buying eight packs of Grape Bubblicious, and hitting the road to total freedom.

On some level, we’re all kids with Power Wheels when it comes to driving. We associate driving with survival (being able to buy groceries and get to the doctor), freedom (being able to pack up on a whim whenever we need to get away), and being an adult (being able to get to work and pick up our daily coffee). All of our personal associations about driving and independence are part of what makes the “It’s time to stop driving” conversation with our aging loved ones so difficult.

We intended to have this difficult conversation with my father-in-law before he passed away, but he died before we mustered up the courage. After two hip replacements and debilitating arthritis, his ability to react quickly was non-existent and he was on dozens of medications, which we feared only further impaired his driving. But Dad insisted on driving, so we just stopped being his passengers.

If we’d ever had the conversation, I’m pretty sure it would have been a nightmare. Unlike many of the tough conversations you have with an aging parent where you can argue that changes will actually help keep them independent, there’s no softening this blow. Occasionally, the conversation goes better than you thought, but more often than not, you’ll need to come to the conversation armed with an arsenal of argument stoppers.

You’ll need to be able to answer the question, “How will I do all the things I need to do and go all the places I need to go?”—even if you don’t think they need to go anywhere. I’ve heard many adult sons and daughters say, “I don’t know why he’s so upset because he doesn’t go anywhere.” It’s not about whether your mom or dad drives very often or where they go or how important or unimportant you think it is. It’s about that Power Wheels feeling—it’s about knowing they can get up and go whenever they want, even if they never actually do.

Before you start the conversation, think of every protest they could possible have and have a solution already in mind and written down on paper: How will I get to my doctor’s appointments? When will I be able to get my groceries? What if I have an emergency in the middle of the night? Writing it all down helps them visualize, understand, and feel some control over the situation.

Come to the discussion with a list of the local transportation resources, their contact info, and clear descriptions of how they all work (and when they work). Put a credit card on file with a car or taxi service and remind your loved one that what they save in car insurance and upkeep each year will more than cover the cost of having a ride available day or night. Schedule a day of the week where you will come over and take them grocery shopping. Plan it all out ahead of time, on paper, and bring it to the discussion.

Writing up a plan might not be the strategy that ultimately works. It will likely take many conversations and may even require a doctor’s input, a driving test, even trickery, but, at the very least, it may help your mom or dad envision how life and freedom can still go on—even without their Power Wheels.

Also published in The Swampscott Reporter

Molly Rowe owns FirstLight Home Care with her husband, Steve, and lives in Swampscott with their two sons. FirstLight provides non-medical in-home care to adults in Swampscott, Marblehead, Lynn, Salem, Peabody, Danvers, Beverly, and Lynnfield. For more information and help caring for your loved ones in the comfort of their own homes, please visit FirstLight’s website at www.salem.firstlighthomecare.com or contact Molly at 781-691-5755/mrowe@firstlighthomecare.com