Of the conversations adult children usually avoid having with their parents, the one about finances tops the list. It requires an uncomfortable reversal of roles to suddenly ask your mom or dad how much money they have, what they have for insurance coverage, and who and how much they owe.
We were very lucky when my father-in-law passed away because, for the most part, his finances were easy to figure out. He didn’t have a lot of creditors, his house was paid for, and he had put most of his assets in a trust. But we still ended up stuck in Florida probate court, and in the midst of mourning the loss of their dad, my husband and his siblings had to call credit card companies, shut off utility bills, and figure out taxes.
I’ve found people lump the money conversation together with other much-dreaded, oft-delayed discussions like is it time to sell the family home and should we take away the keys? Unlike these topics, though, money is something that can and should be talked about before it becomes an issue. This conversation isn’t about being nosey or taking away control. It’s about being prepared so that neither your parents nor you end up in a financial nightmare should the unexpected happen. The earlier you start the conversation, the better.
This is a conversation that should involve the famous “I” phrases we’re all taught to use in tough conversations (even though they’re rarely remembered). Rather than say, “You should be more organized” or “You can’t manage your money,” say, “I’m worried I won’t know what to do if something terrible happens.”
Make it clear that you’re not expecting anything from them that you’re not doing yourself. A great time to bring up this conversation is when you’re putting your own finances in order. Then, it can be part of a discussion: “I’m trying to decide who to put in charge of our finances should I have an accident; how did you handle this in your will?”
Sometimes, it helps if a financial planner or estate lawyer facilitates the discussion. Having that third-party often makes it easier for you to ask questions that make you uncomfortable, and it gives your aging loved one an opportunity to ask questions or voice any concerns they may have.
If your mom or dad seems resistant to talking money, it may help to use another person’s experience as an example: “You know Bob Smith’s son? Well, he’s going through a rough time right now trying to unravel his dad’s estate.” This isn’t meant as a scare tactic but rather to pound home the idea that having the conversation early prevents problems later on.
Last but probably most important, include your brothers and sisters in the money talk. For every person who has lost a beloved parent, there are probably two people who’ve lost siblings in the fight over parental property. Be sure you include your siblings in the discussions you have with mom and dad, and make sure you’re united in your understanding of their wishes and the plan should the unexpected happen.
Originally published in The Swampscott Reporter
Molly Rowe owns FirstLight Home Care with her husband, Steve, and lives in Swampscott with their two sons. FirstLight provides non-medical in-home care to adults in Swampscott, Marblehead, Lynn, Salem, Peabody, Danvers, Beverly, and Lynnfield. For more information and help caring for your loved ones in the comfort of their own homes, please visit FirstLight’s website at www.salem.firstlighthomecare.com or contact Molly at 781-691-5755/[email protected]
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