Should Dad Move In?

Before my father-in-law passed away two years ago, we had the same debate many families have: Should Dad move in with us? He was struggling to live alone in Florida, feeling homesick for Swampscott, and we were here in a two-family home seemingly built for in-laws. For my husband, it seemed like the perfect arrangement. I wasn’t convinced.

It’s another of the many guilts I have related to the eventual death of Dad—how could I not want him to live with us? The thing was, as perfect as the set-up seemed, I knew it wouldn’t be perfect. My father-in-law’s mental and physical state had failed considerably. Most of our visits to Florida at that time were far from relaxing. We spent the first days throwing out expired food and encouraging him to make long-overdue doctor’s appointments. All decisions in Florida usually revolved around Dad, and although I pushed for us to do what Dad wanted when we were in Florida, I didn’t want to do that every minute of every day back here.

My husband and I never really got to the point of having a serious debate about whether Dad should move in (sadly, he passed away before we got to it), but I know several families who are wrestling with this decision and asking themselves the same questions I did: How can I balance my current life obligations (job, children, etc.) with caring for my loved one? What will this do to my life? How will this affect my other relationships?

It’s important everyone in your household—you, your spouse or partner, your children, and even your loved one—be realistic about what the move will really mean. One worry I had was that my father-in-law always offered to drive our kids or babysit them while we went out, even though he couldn’t. It was one thing to say no to him a few times on a visit in Florida, but I worried it would be a constant argument if he lived with us here.

If you have children living at home, talk to them about what it will mean to have Grandpa or Grandma living there. There can be nothing better for kids than living in a multigenerational home, but they need to be realistic, too. It won’t likely be all baking cookies and reminiscing. They may see Grandma on her hard days. They may need to help with care. They may need to sacrifice or be more patient (things that don’t always come easy to kids). Plan and communicate upfront about what things will be like, how the days will be structured, and what dinner will look like.

You’ll also want to make sure you have help. Line people up now to help with weekends away, family vacations, and date nights (if round-the-clock care is needed). Friends and neighbors will likely help but may not always be available (or able to do overnights at your house while you’re away.) If your mom needs constant care to be safe, look at your schedules and make sure it’s realistic that she’ll always be with someone. (If you and your spouse work long hours and nobody else is in the home, then moving them in may not be the safest solution.) Use some of the money you’re saving on long-term care and commit to hiring respite help whenever necessary. So many people wait to ask for help until they are hanging on by their last thread of sanity; don’t be one of those people.

According to an AARP study, 7.1 million households in the U.S. are multi-generational. For many families, moving Dad or Mom in is the perfect solution. Families are able to keep their loved ones safe at home, reduce their own worry, and save the money it would have cost to move them to a care facility. But it also can be a stressful, life-altering, emotional undertaking that you need to approach realistically.

Also published in The Swampscott Reporter

Molly Rowe owns FirstLight Home Care with her husband, Steve, and lives in Swampscott with their two sons. FirstLight provides non-medical in-home care to adults in Swampscott, Marblehead, Lynn, Salem, Peabody, Danvers, Beverly, and Lynnfield. For more information and help caring for your loved ones in the comfort of their own homes, please visit FirstLight’s website at www.salem.firstlighthomecare.com or contact Molly at 781-691-5755/[email protected]