Caring for a Loved One: You are not alone

Sometimes, it helps just to know we’re not alone.

I admit that one of the driving motivations behind starting this column (and one of the reasons we launched our home care business) was guilt—guilt over not always making the right decision or feeling the right way or saying the right things as we dealt with aging and illness in our own family.

When I started writing this blog, I hoped I’d be able to provide some tips for people dealing with some of the issues we dealt with and perhaps help them initiate conversations that we ourselves shied away from. What I didn’t realize was how many people just need to hear they’re not alone in their guilt, frustration, sadness, embarrassment—whatever it is they’re feeling—as they try to cope in their own families. So, let me officially put it on record: You most assuredly are not alone.

You’re not alone when you call the police and ask them to do a wellness check because Mom hasn’t answered your calls all day. You’re not alone when you notice your loved one—who always took pride in his appearance—has stopped showering regularly or washing his clothes. You’re not alone when you answer the same question from your mom over and over again, or when your wife forgets your name.

You’re not alone when you grow frustrated with your loved one’s resistance to kick bad habits even though it would greatly improve his health. You’re not alone when you sheepishly tell a home care agency that your mom, who’s never been racist, won’t accept caregivers who aren’t the same color as her. You’re not alone when you argue with your sibling and wonder how two people with the same parents could have such different views on caring.

You’re not alone when you have to help your mom take a shower or go to the bathroom for the first time and you think, “I’m her son—I never thought I’d be doing this.” You’re not alone when you call your dad 15 times a day to see if he’s taken his medication, gone to the bathroom, eaten lunch, checked his insulin, turned off the stove, drunk enough water, and remembered not to put tin foil in the microwave.

You’re not alone when you feel overwhelmed with the task of caregiving—and then guilty for feeling overwhelmed. You’re not alone when you miss the way things used to be. You’re not alone when you feel angry and frustrated and sad and hopeless.

Almost every single person we run into every day has a story of aging or illness and how it has affected their lives. And as unique as we all feel our situations are, everyone has a situation. It’s tempting to keep things to ourselves because we want to respect the privacy and dignity of our loved ones (or because we are in denial that we need help), but when you keep things to yourself, you miss out on critical information that could help you and your loved one get better care. You miss out on the opportunity to enjoy the aging and caregiving process (yes, it’s possible to enjoy it!). You miss out on a chance to laugh instead of cry. You are definitely not the first person to go through this, but to know that, you have to talk about it.

Molly Rowe owns FirstLight Home Care with her husband, Steve Rowe, and lives in Swampscott with their two sons. FirstLight provides non-medical in-home care to adults in Swampscott, Marblehead, Nahant, Lynn, Salem, Peabody, Danvers, Beverly, and Lynnfield. For more information and help caring for your loved ones in the comfort of their own homes, please visit FirstLight’s website at www.salem.firstlighthomecare.com or contact Molly at 781-691-5755/[email protected]