Moving Out of the Family Home

My husband still describes the day he helped his father move out of his long-time home as one of the worst days of his life. It’s a bit dramatic, coming from someone who’s experienced other losses and frustration much greater than a day of moving, but I’m guessing his dad would probably describe the day similarly.

Out of respect for his father, we mostly stayed out of the coordination of the move, other than to advise him on whom he should call for certain tasks. So, when we showed up at his house on that last day, expecting items to be labeled and boxes to be packed, we discovered he hadn’t so much as unplugged the lamps. The movers and junk removal showed up at the exact same time, and we spent the morning chasing them in and out of the house making sure family heirlooms didn’t end up as junk and junk didn’t end up in his new home in Florida.

By late evening, the house was empty, and Steve and his dad were doing the final wipe down of the kitchen. One last run of the garbage disposal and they were out the door, except, unbeknownst to Steve, the disposal was filled with chicken bones and various other matter, which ended up splattered all over the kitchen when the disposal backed up.

If you’ve helped a parent move out of their long-time home, you’ve probably experienced some variation of this story. It’s understandable really. A move at any age is perhaps one of the most stressful experiences in life, filled with weeks of planning, organizing, and list-making. Imagine going through this knowing it’s likely your last move, from a house you’ve lived in for decades, with all your decisions and living habits on display for your adult children to criticize. And imagine going through it in less than perfect health—not being able run up and down stairs or after movers and in too much physical and emotional pain to sift through belongings for hours on end. It’s no exaggeration to say moving (or helping an aging loved one move) could be one of the more stressful experiences of your life.

Anyone who’s moved several times will tell you the biggest thing you can do to make any move less stressful is hire lots of help. Trying to coordinate a stress-free move takes impeccable organization, knowledge of available moving resources, and mental clarity—all things that might be compromised if your loved one is feeling emotional about the move. Don’t assume your Dad can do it all—even if he says he can. Assume his stress is higher than usual, and assume his abilities are less than usual.

A good move is orchestrated like a 5-act play. Enter family to sift through mementos. Enter Big Brother to pick up donations. Enter junk removal to cart off discards. Enter packing company. Enter movers. Enter cleaners for final clean. You may want to hire a move manager to coordinate all of this, but make sure they have experience with senior moves, which can have very specific needs, like the removal of a chairlift or ensuring important medicines aren’t packed away. If Mom is downsizing, there are organizations that can come in and design her new space to feel as much like her old home as possible, using her existing furniture.

Try to get Dad out of the house and away from the stress (e.g., open houses, home inspections, packing, moving day) as much as possible. Promise him ultimate say on everything—he just doesn’t have to be there to see the ins and outs of the process. If you can, put him up in a hotel or your home, both while his old home is being emptied and while his new home is being set up. Take him out to lunch, talk about other things, give him a chance to not think about moving.

No matter how much stress you feel helping with a move, I guarantee the person who’s actually moving feels more. You’ll need to compromise. This is not the time to criticize organizational skills or question why items were purchased. You may be surprised by some of the items your loved one has accumulated over the years. For us, the surprise was a stockpile of cleaning supplies dating back to the early 90s and literally 100s of empty picture frames, with tags still on, even though we’d never known Dad to take a picture. There will be items your loved one insists on holding on to, even though they make no sense to you. Let it go.

In the end, we all have the same hope for a move—that the new house will be comfortable and safe and eventually a place to truly call “home.” Rather than getting caught up in all the possible stressors and negatives that can so easily derail a move, try to focus on the positives of the new place and remembering a great life lived in the old one, chicken bones and all.

Molly Rowe owns FirstLight Home Care with her husband, Steve Rowe, and lives in Swampscott with their two sons. FirstLight provides non-medical in-home care to adults in Swampscott, Marblehead, Nahant, Lynn, Salem, Peabody, Danvers, Beverly, and Lynnfield. For more information and help caring for your loved ones in the comfort of their own homes, please visit FirstLight’s website at www.salem.firstlighthomecare.com or contact Molly at 781-691-5755/[email protected]