My second son had a tantrum or two, too.
When our oldest son hit age two, it was terrible like I’d never seen. This wasn’t the fake crying, foot stomping, public-scene-making spectacle I’d seen in other kids (or that I now see in my 3-year-old son). It seemed to go deeper than that. It was angry. It was long-lasting. And sometimes it was violent when he’d explode into a fit of rage over something as simple as buckling his car seat.
During this time, my mother would call almost daily and remind me, “The hardest people to love are the ones who need it the most.” And I’d attempt to regain my patience and go back to modeling the behavior I wanted rather than following his lead of screaming and foot-stomping (even though that often came more naturally). Somehow we survived, but I’m not going to say it was easy.
I’ve learned my mom’s “hardest people to love” saying relates to the aging process, too, but it’s usually more difficult to apply. We all like to think we’ll age gracefully and with a sense of humor, but pain, loneliness, fear, depression, medications, dementia, and a million other things can affect how we behave in our final years. Some of us yell, some of us cry, some of us develop strange habits, some of us act out sexually. Some people completely change, and some just remain what they’ve always been but magnified.
It’s very hard to be a caregiver to the hard to loves. The urge to respond with harsh words and impatience can be great. I’ve written before about the frustration I sometimes felt with my father-in-law as we attempted to care for him in the last years of his life. The empathy I felt for him—for his debilitating arthritis, the loss of his wife much too early, the loneliness from so much time alone—was often overshadowed by resentment for his stubbornnesss or for not taking care of himself so he’d have more quality time with his grandchildren. We’d try to reason with him—usually argue—and walk away frustrated.
The more I do this work I’m learning the best thing to do on the days a loved one is hardest to love is the same approach that worked with my son: surrender. Don’t argue, don’t fight, don’t reason. Sit down, rub his back, look him in the eye, make sure he’s hearing me, and tell him that I’m there. Ask him what he needs and what frightens him. Tell him he’s not alone. (And really mean it—because the truth is in your eyes.)
No matter how loving we all set out to be on this journey of life, there are days we fail. Sometimes there are months we fail. It’s easy as caregivers to lose our empathy—to see so much pain and illness that we no longer think, “What if that were me? How would I want to be taken care of?” Or we think, “If that were me, I’d do it differently.” The sad reality is we have no idea how we’ll age. And as corny as it sounds, love—even on days when it’s the hardest—is the best prescription of all.
Molly Rowe owns FirstLight Home Care with her husband, Steve Rowe, and lives in Swampscott with their two sons. FirstLight provides non-medical in-home care to adults in Swampscott, Marblehead, Nahant, Lynn, Salem, Peabody, Danvers, Beverly, and Lynnfield. For more information and help caring for your loved ones in the comfort of their own homes, please visit FirstLight’s website at www.salem.firstlighthomecare.com or contact Molly at 781-691-5755/[email protected]
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