Most of what I usually write is for people taking care of aging loved ones. But what if you’re not the main person taking care of a loved one? Sometimes, not being the caregiver is just as hard.
It’s a common scenario. Mom has dementia, Dad has his own health issues, Dad insists on taking care of Mom, and he won’t accept outside help. Maybe he’s handling everything himself and it’s a disaster or maybe he’s handling everything and it’s working out, but either way, you know it’s a ticking time bomb. Eventually he’ll burn out or get hurt or she’ll exceed his abilities. It’s very hard to be an adult son or daughter—or granddaughter or friend—and watch someone you love be the sole caregiver for someone else. How do you convince him to get help?
Focus on the person needing care rather than your concerns about the caregiver. You might be worried most about your dad’s well-being, but chances are, he’ll shrug off your concerns about him. Sometimes, it’s better to focus on Mom (or whoever is being cared for) and what will happen to her if something happens to him. You can encourage him to develop a relationship with someone else who can provide care in case something happens to him or push him to get help in the areas where he might struggle (“Mom needs more help with her physical therapy and speech,” or “Mom likes to have her nails painted every week—we could have someone come in to do that.”)
Start small. Propose Dad start with meal help or housekeeping or even a bath visit (where someone comes in just to help with bathing) a few hours a week. Then, let him decide if it’s helping and if he wants more help—or none at all. Maybe the help he needs is much greater than a few hours each week, but starting small may help him see that without it being forced upon him.
Set up a meeting. When all else fails, just set up a meeting with a caregiver/home care company that can help. In almost every house we’ve worked, the client or spouse has been against us being there—at first. But, if we find the right fit between caregiver and client, it almost always works out. Don’t over-think it or talk about it. Just set up the meeting and see how it goes. A good care provider will be able to relieve any tension, soothe any fears, and may even get your loved one to open up about what concerns him, what caregiving tasks have become difficult for him to handle, and why he’s so against getting help.
It’s sometimes difficult as family caregivers to admit anybody could do it better than we do, but if you are able to find that one thing he will admit to struggling with—showering a spouse who resists it, doing exercises from physical therapy, or even just prepping nutritious meals—it may help you persuade him to get more help. It may be a difficult conversation, but I promise you it will be easier than the conversation and decisions you have to make if things get worse.
Molly Rowe owns FirstLight Home Care with her husband, Steve Rowe, and lives in Swampscott with their two sons. FirstLight provides non-medical in-home care to adults in Swampscott, Marblehead, Nahant, Lynn, Salem, Peabody, Danvers, Beverly, and Lynnfield. For more information and help caring for your loved ones in the comfort of their own homes, please visit FirstLight’s website at www.salem.firstlighthomecare.com or contact Molly at 781-691-5755/[email protected]
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