When Does a ‘Collection’ Become Clutter?

My husband collects memories, sometimes in the form of ticket stubs.

One of the biggest concerns we hear from family members worried about their aging loved ones is they are collecting too much stuff. “She won’t throw anything out.” “She saves things.” “She’s a hoarder.” When it comes to aging, collections can cause a lot of trouble. Sure, there’s the occasional person with a priceless collection of rare stamps, but most of us collect useless items.

My husband, for example, collects memories—ticket stubs from concerts, mini-golf scorecards, road race numbers. He has an entire drawer of old, neatly sorted check registers and utility bills dating back to the 80s because he thinks future generations will like seeing what he paid for things. Every time I throw out an old but much-loved pair of shoes from my kids or a shirt they lived in, I hear my husband sigh and say, “That’s sad,” when he notices it in the trash.

Me, I’m less sentimental, at least in terms of holding on to stuff. I’m quick to throw out old baby clothes and toys or items from the house, but I collect clothes, shoes, and especially winter coats (I probably have 20, something my husband is nice not to comment on). Our closets and attic overflow with garments I don’t want to get rid of because I think either I’ll want to wear them again one day or someone young in my life (my kids, my Goddaughter, etc.) will one day like to see the fashions of today.

Our parents were also collectors. My mom has an attic filled with old baby and kid items that might come in handy sometime (I admit they very often do when we’re visiting, but I live in fear of cleaning out that attic one day.) Steve’s dad, late in life, collected gallons and gallons of bleach and other cleaning products, unused picture frames, pans and kitchen gadgets (even though he didn’t cook). He didn’t always collect these things, just in the last 10 years of his life, but that’s the stuff we had to clean out after he passed away.

No matter our age, we all have something we hold on to and most of us have a very reasonable explanation for doing so. For my husband, it’s to preserve memories; for me, it’s because I’m afraid I’ll regret throwing something out later on. For my mom, she thinks my kids might want what she’s saved. For my father-in-law, late in life, it was because he feared running out of things and because shopping—even for things he never used—gave him a purpose and eased some of his loneliness.

That’s what we often miss as caregivers. All this “stuff” our loved ones hold onto—no matter if it’s valuable stamps or old cleaning supplies—has a meaning and a purpose for its owners. It might be a hobby, or it might just bring back memories. It might relieve a fear they have about running out of necessary supplies or finances. It might fill a void or help with loneliness. As we age, letting go of things gets harder, because it feels more significant. It feels like we’re losing something—memories, opportunities, control.

Swooping in as caregivers and demanding our loved ones throw things out can only make those issues worse. Think about your own life and what you collect—what you stock up on for fear of running out or what you stick in the attic because you might need it again one day. Now imagine how you’d feel if someone forced you to get rid of all that stuff—the sadness, fear, and panic you’d feel at having lost all those things so valuable to you.

Helping a loved one clean out takes a delicate touch and time. Maybe it requires you to spend an hour a week with Mom going through just a few things at a time so she gets used to the idea of letting go and looks forward to the time with you. Or you help Dad box the collections up but hold on to them for a while to reassure him that everything is still there if he needs it. Maybe you take photos of everything to preserve the memory but clean out the collection. Maybe you make a big deal about donating some of her things to people who could use them more.

Most importantly, if you’re helping someone clean out, make sure you find a way to meet the need or relieve the fear that might be tied to all that stuff. Collections sometimes give people a much-needed purpose, something that can be hard to find late in life. So, if you’re helping someone clean out, make sure you’re not taking away her purpose along with the collection.

Molly Rowe owns FirstLight Home Care with her husband, Steve Rowe, and lives in Swampscott with their two sons. FirstLight provides non-medical in-home care to adults in Swampscott, Marblehead, Nahant, Lynn, Salem, Peabody, Danvers, Beverly, and Lynnfield. For more information and help caring for your loved ones in the comfort of their own homes, please visit FirstLight’s website at www.salem.firstlighthomecare.com or contact Molly at 781-691-5755/[email protected]