The ups and downs of caregiving can be as ever-changing as the tides.
One of the hardest adjustments for me when I became a new parent was accepting the ebb and flow of caregiving. People had warned me about the sleep deprivation that comes with late-night feedings but they didn’t warn me about the stress of his ups and downs—he eats everything, then he eats nothing; he finally sleeps through the night, then he’s up all night teething; he loves preschool, then he hates it. Every time it seemed like I’d cracked the secret code of parenting, he’d throw me a curveball.
Especially in those early days, every quiet moment in the car, every walk around the grocery store, every naptime, was filled with my screaming brain: “Is he sleeping enough or too much? How can I get him to eat more vegetables? He’s digressing on potty training. He’s sad about going to school. Is he getting sick?” More exhausting than providing the actual care for my newborn was the amount of time I spent dissecting his roller coaster of habits for signs of change.
The brain drain I experienced caring for my newborn son is similar to the mental exhaustion people feel caring for sick or aging loved ones. That roller coaster of care, especially in the last years, months, and days, can take its toll on caregivers.
We have a great phone call or visit with Dad one day, but the next, he’s confused and forgetful. Mom is sweet and happy at lunch but agitated and paranoid by 4 p.m. We analyze and scrutinize every visit: “Dad wasn’t as forgetful today, maybe he’s better.” “Is Mom thinner than last time?” “The house needs to be cleaned.” “There’s no food in the refrigerator.”
The mental back-and-forth is even more extreme for families on the brink of asking for help, either in the form of home care or relocation to an assisted living facility or nursing home, because they’re trying to make a decision or putting off having tough conversations. They’ll research living options and start lining things up, but then Dad will have a good week and they put it off. We went through this with my father-in-law two years ago—a bad visit would be followed by a good one and then, “Maybe he’s better than we thought. Maybe he doesn’t have to move. Maybe he’s okay to drive. Maybe he’s taking better care of himself.”
The thing I learned with my husband’s dad and with my newborn son is if you assess your loved one’s condition every day, hour by hour, day after day, you’ll eventually go crazy. If you think of every behavior in terms of forever (“This is how he’s always going to be”), you’ll be eternally disappointed. And if you’re too busy analyzing every minute, you won’t be able to enjoy any of the minutes that are good.
As a parent, I wasn’t able to relax until I surrendered to the roller coaster of childrearing, and I think the same surrender is required if you’re caring for aging or ill loved ones. There will be good days and bad days, good hours and bad hours. It’s not always easy when you’re in the thick of it, but if you can find a way to take caregiving moment to moment and savor the good moments without worrying so much about the bad, you might find there’s more good there than you realize.
Molly Rowe owns FirstLight Home Care with her husband, Steve Rowe, and lives in Swampscott with their two sons. FirstLight provides non-medical in-home care to adults in Swampscott, Marblehead, Nahant, Lynn, Salem, Peabody, Danvers, Beverly, and Lynnfield. For more information and help caring for your loved ones in the comfort of their own homes, please visit FirstLight’s website at www.salem.firstlighthomecare.com or contact Molly at 781-691-5755/[email protected]
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