A couple of weeks ago, I had a conversation with a friend who took on the task of trying to shower her mother. Her mom has dementia and has been resistant to taking showers for several months. My friend’s dad, the primary caregiver, had given up the shower fight, but my friend wanted to help. She hoped, because she was the daughter and not the husband, her mom would be more willing to bathe.
The day proved to be one of the more frustrating days of my friend’s caregiving journey. In the end, she was soaked, her dad was yelling, and her mom was upset and not much cleaner.
Showering a parent or loved one is no easy task and can bring up an array of emotions—fear, embarrassment, and shame—on both sides. Most of us think we’ll never have to bathe our own parents or siblings, but it’s likely many of us will one day face this issue with a loved one. If you do, here are some strategies that may make it easier:
Keep them moving. We have a caregiver I call the “Shower Whisperer” because she can literally go into a new client’s home—someone who has refused to shower for months at a time—and get them into the shower in less than 15 minutes. I asked her one day her trick, and her answer was distraction. “I get them talking and moving, talking and moving, into the shower and through the process until it’s over,” she told me. Distraction can go a long way with someone with dementia. What is Mom’s favorite thing? Music? Play or sing some of her favorite songs. TV? Bring a television into the bathroom. Chocolate? Put some in the shower if you have to. So often when working with someone who has dementia we have to put aside the voice in our heads that says, “We can’t do that because it’s not the normal thing to do,” and instead embrace the voice that says, “We can do whatever we need to do to make this more comfortable.” If it’s chocolate in the shower that makes Mom happy, let her eat it.
Hire a stranger. I know. You’ve been fighting with your dad for months to shower. There’s no way a stranger is going to come in there and be able to do it. But you’d be amazed that strangers can have success where you fail. It might be Dad’s uncomfortable with his son helping with him something so intimate. Or it might be that his polite instinct kicks in and he’s just more likely to go along with someone he doesn’t know. Whatever it is, one of the most common things we get called for is a “shower visit”—someone to come in a couple times a week just to help shower a loved one.
Have the right equipment. Don’t even attempt a shower until you have the right equipment to make it go smoothly: a hand-held nozzle, a bench, safety bars. Remove shower doors and replace with a curtain so you and your loved one have room to move around. You may only get one chance to give your loved one a positive shower experience so make sure you have the right equipment in place when you start.
Start small. Begin the shower by turning it on and letting Mom feel the water with her hand, then as she becomes more comfortable, start spraying her feet and ankles, explaining that it’s the same water you’ll be using as you slowly move up. The sensation of water pouring over her head can be very frightening for someone with dementia so you want to work your way up slowly. You may need to wash her hair out of the shower at the sink if she’s uncomfortable with the water spraying on her. Allow plenty of time, and never attempt a shower when you are in a hurry.
Avoid cold. Do everything you can to keep your loved warm. Start the shower and make sure it’s the right temperature before she gets in. Warm up a towel in the dryer and drape it over her top while you’re washing her feet and legs. Have another warm towel ready to dry her with at the end. A laundry full of dirty towels will be worth it if you have a peaceful shower.
Keep your emotions in check. This tip is perhaps the most difficult of all. No matter how frustrated you may be with your dad who won’t shower, no matter how much it baffles you or goes against who he typically is, it’s imperative that you never yell or lose patience. People with dementia can often sense your mood, so if you’re unhappy with them or uncomfortable about helping them shower, they’ll know. If you’re having a day like where you feel your last thread of sanity slipping away, it’s better to walk away and delay things until you have time to gather yourself. One more day won’t matter.
Molly Rowe owns FirstLight HomeCare with her husband, Steve Rowe, and lives in Swampscott with their two sons. FirstLight provides non-medical in-home care to adults in Swampscott, Marblehead, Nahant, Lynn, Salem, Peabody, Danvers, Beverly, and Lynnfield. For more information and help caring for your loved ones in the comfort of their own homes, please visit FirstLight’s website at www.northshore.firstlighthomecare.com or contact Molly at 781-691-5755/mrowe@firstlighthomecare.com