One of Grandpa’s greatest joys was watching his grandsons in the pool.
Memories are a funny thing: You can have a million great ones with a loved one and only one bad—how they looked the last time you saw them alive, an argument, or a bad day—and it’s that last bad memory you can’t shake. For me, my last Christmas with my father-in-law is that memory.
We all arrived in Florida, excited for a week by Grandpa’s pool, even though the temperatures outside were below normal. Our pool plans were cancelled, however, when we discovered the pool heater wasn’t working. Such a small thing, and we could have easily overcome it, but my father-in-law couldn’t.
And so the week took a different turn. Dad didn’t participate. He spent hours playing solitaire on his computer instead of hanging out with us. He skipped family dinners and appeared to find no joy in Christmas morning.
This wasn’t the first time we noticed signs of depression in Dad, even though this time they were more pronounced. Over the years and through multiple ailments, we’d noticed he was quieter, less interested, and we’d debate whether or not he was depressed. “He’s stopped doing all the things he once enjoyed/Maybe he’s just not interested anymore.” “He withdraws from us/Maybe he just needs alone time.” He seems more irritable/Maybe that’s just part of aging.
Our family debate wasn’t unique. Almost every family has the “Maybe he’s depressed” discussion related to changes in their loved one at some point, but the problem with depression in seniors is the symptoms can be confused with the symptoms of other age-related ailments: loss of appetite, unexplained weight loss, insomnia, fatigue. This is why we as families are usually stuck speculating about depression but do nothing about it.
It’s estimated six million people over age 65 suffer from depression, and the suicide rate in people ages 80 to 84 is more than twice that of the general population. In 70 percent of cases, depression in seniors is caused by environmental factors—loneliness, failing health, the sale of a family home, or something smaller but significant, like the loss of a driver’s license. Depression is dangerous in multiple ways because it can affect an aging loved one’s ability to recover from illness and increase his risk of death.It may be difficult to get Mom or Dad to admit they’re depressed or to seek treatment through medication or psychotherapy, but sometimes depression can be alleviated with changes in the environment or a new purpose in life—a pet, a daily coffee outing with a friend, volunteering, anything that breaks the habit of isolation.
The one thing that won’t cure depression is telling someone she has no reason to be depressed: “You’re still healthy.” “You’ve got all your family nearby.” “You live in a beautiful place where meals are provided for you.” No matter the many reasons a person should be happy, she might not be. So rather than try to reassure Mom she has no reason to be depressed, help her to find a way not to be—talk about lifestyle or living changes that might make a difference, increase your visits, get her out of the house, talk to her doctor. Depression, like bad memories, won’t magically go away, but talking about it with a loved one can at least start the process of treating it.
Molly Rowe owns FirstLight Home Care with her husband, Steve Rowe, and lives in Swampscott with their two sons. FirstLight provides non-medical in-home care to adults in Swampscott, Marblehead, Nahant, Lynn, Salem, Peabody, Danvers, Beverly, and Lynnfield. For more information and help caring for your loved ones in the comfort of their own homes, please visit FirstLight’s website at www.salem.firstlighthomecare.com or contact Molly at 781-691-5755/[email protected]
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