When we’re caring for an aging loved one, it sometimes feels like all we do is take away. We take away her car; we convince her to sell her home; we change his diet; we take away his privacy. These losses (and the discussions that surround them) are tough on...
My son Max gave me a seedling for Mother’s Day. I was supposed to plant it in the garden once it grew big enough, but instead it’s been sitting on a plate on our porch for months, looking more and more scraggly. I feel guilty every time I look at...
When A Loved One Says ‘I Want to Go Home’
I sat down with a resident at a memory care facility recently, and, within seconds, she asked me if I’d take her home. For me, a stranger, I could ask the question, “Where do you live?” and distract her with questions about her home, but distraction doesn’t come as easily...
From Daughter to Caregiver: The Painful Change of Roles
One of the more heartbreaking conversations I’ve had was with a daughter who was caring for her father. She came to us looking for some help during the day, but she’d been his primary caregiver for more than a year. In between raising kids and managing her career, she was...
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When Your Loved One Has Alzheimer’s
We have a family friend I’ll call Judy. Judy was a secretary for decades but could have been an MBA if she grew up in a time and place where women went to business school. She is the most organized person I’ve ever met, and one of the smartest—she’s done...
Tips for Showering a Loved One
A couple of weeks ago, I had a conversation with a friend who took on the task of trying to shower her mother. Her mom has dementia and has been resistant to taking showers for several months. My friend’s dad, the primary caregiver, had given up the shower fight, but...
Ambiguous loss: Dealing with it and moving on
I always say my husband is the most baggage-free person I’ve ever known. Aside from some OCD about organization (to be expected from a former accountant), he’s pretty much hang-up free. He doesn’t drudge up old problems. He doesn’t parent mean or fight dirty. He doesn’t seem to have the...
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Support Groups and Education: Why All Caregivers Should Go (But Most Don’t)
On any given week, my husband and I attend a half dozen educational seminars on topics related to aging—Alzheimer’s, financial planning, safety at home, etc. We go as professionals wanting to learn more about our field and to meet others doing similar work, but most of the content is really...
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How to Include Spouses in Caregiving
My grandparents were a big part of my childhood. They lived nearby, and I was constantly with them, playing games, taking walks, or chatting in their living room. No matter what we were doing, I knew everyday the world would stop at 11:30 a.m. for my grandfather’s lunch. To this...
When You Can’t Do the Caregiving: Short-term Options For Care
If you’re the full-time caregiver for a loved one, you know that role comes with a lot of pressure. You can’t get sick, you can’t take a vacation, and you can’t have surgery, because if you do, there’s no one else who will do your job. The day will come,...
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